Robert Dubac’s The Male Intellect: An Oxymoron?
Getting Dumped has never been funnier

Meet Bobby:He's in a HUGE state of confusion. Two weeks ago he was content. He found the girl of his dreams. He made the commitment. He planned to get married and then she dumped him.

Why? He's been trying to figure that out but seems to lack proper tools. The only thing he has figured out about women is...they're female. (He could be any man on the planet at any given time.) He knows chauvinism is an albatross around his neck but it's all he has to work with. He is like most guys. Everything he learned about women he learned from other men. In his case, Bobby was tutored by the five chauvinists below.

Metaphorically speaking, he was taught to swim in a lead suit. It's taking all his strength to keep from sinking. He knows he has to get out of the water or get out of the lead pants. Or forget the whole mess and get into a ship to stay afloat.

“Hilarious!”
-Denver Post

The Colonel is the most severe of all our chauvinists. He spends his time strategizing how to battle the female race while strolling along the shores of Lake Loretta. He is retired, having served one tour in Korea followed by two back-to-back tours in Vietnam. He has been decorated four times for bravery and the only God he worships is the God of Truth. His favorite pastime is defeating a crossword puzzle. "It's the only battle where truth is the ultimate victor. You can't lie to a crossword puzzle and win." The colonel is the proud father of seven children, all girls, proving irony exists.

Jean-Michel is a foreign exchange student studying philosophy. He spends his mornings along the shores of Lake Loretta musing over how women relate to "abstract fatalism," i.e., the study of how all great lessons in life reflect some facet of death. He prides himself in understanding everything about women. The answers, however, are so complex he is unable to communicate them in plain English. Ahh, if he could communicate.

Fast Eddie had his heart broken once and had been getting even by cutting a swath of testosterone through womanhood ever since. Unfortunately for women he has an animal instinct that draws them to him like a "ten-cent sale at Neiman's." This allows him to keep his heart out of the picture, which intrigues women even more. They all think they are the one who can melt his heart. He, however, refers to them as "DP's" - "Doormat Phenomenon's." According to Fast Eddie, women who fall into the "DP" category are "...fast chicks built for speed and have the need. They don't give nice guys the time of day but will slam on the brakes for a man who treats them like dirt. Don't ask me to explain it but to them being treated like a doormat is a turn-on. So I give 'em what they want and then introduce 'em to the sidewalk. Yeah, they whine about always falling for the wrong kind of guy but the right kind of guy doesn't make 'em quiver.

They hate what's good for 'em and love what they should hate. Mysteries, aren't they?" Fast Eddie is an endangered species.

Old Mr. Linger resides at "Lapping Shores," a retirement home nestled among the three-story maples on the west bank of Lake Loretta. Every afternoon at two o'clock the management lets him stroll out onto the dock to fish for a few hours. His infectious laugh can be heard echoing over the lake until sunset. Most people think him to be a little daft since there are no fish in Lake Loretta. Others just reckon he has a great sense of humor.

Ronnie Cabrezzi grew up fatherless in the Bronx, retreating to Lake Loretta with his mother and three sisters after a series of fights protecting their honor. He is a peaceful, sensitive man. His whole life is dedicated to taking care of women. He loves women. No, he really LOVES women. He just can't figure them out. This may be because he barely has a high school education, having forfeited it to support the girls until they were able to move out on their own. Being "politically correct" has no meaning to Ronnie other than it being two big words. He would rather try to be sensitive and keep his heart open. (The innocent always come up with the most eloquent answers, don't they?)